martyrs

My Big Fat Independent Movie (2005) IMDB rating: 3.20 Plot: “My Big Fat Independent Movie” is a spoof along the lines of “Scary Movie” and “Not Another Teen Movie.” It includes parodies of some of the indie film world’s most renowned movies such as “Memento,” “Pulp Fiction,” “Magnolia,” “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” “Amelie,” “Run Lola Run,” “El Mariachi,” “The Good Girl,” “Pi,” “Swingers” and many others.

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Actors: Barton Neil,Hoffman Eric,Keefe Darren,Krow Brian,Hopkins Neil,Schrab Rob,Agnew Jim,Campos Eric,Dooley Neil,Douglas David,Eaton Robert,Fortson John,Giles Gregory,Comedy,

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is this why i am the why i…am?
I have a problem with anyone EVER telling me they love me or touching me.Hugs kissing, any kind of caress or affectionate touch.I feel like I need to be in control or someone bigger or stronger will take over me.I lose all respect for someone who cries, especially a man.
I had a pretty crappy child hood it wasn’t HORRIBLE my dad was mean to my mom and I have bad memories.
I lost my virginity at 6 (I believe any kind of sexual acts take away your virginity) when the neighbor raped me.She was 5 years older than me.We did EVERYTHING possible.I went there ALMOST everyday for 2 years.Sometimes her friend would come and help her work on me.She made me and threatened me.She also made me watch porn and horror movies.
I also have anxiety that someone is always watching me.I started drinking and cutting myself at 11.I have (people tell me and im aware) many problems, emotionally.I was a lonely kid.
I hate my family, especially my father.My whole family.And im not a spoiled teen who doesn’t get what she wants.I homeschooled myself a lot, and now im still homeschooling myself and im a teen.I never had more then 2 friends as a kid and the ones I had all hurt me.Once I would start opening up to someone and letting out one of my many secrets I push them away realizing what I just did.The only friend I really had since I was 8 was my fat tabby cat who recently died.Im SO confused about life.Legally, at 18 I can move out, right? no one can stop me?
because I have this really stupid and pathetic dream to become an actress, but my family (I know) won’t be supportive.They never were.Once I mentioned my dream, they laughed.
Bad memories haunt me in this house and I want to get the hell out of here.
Also, I like to see other people in emotional pain or physical.I’ve liked any kind of violence and I enjoy the feeling of any kind of pain sometimes.I think I have OCD.As a kid after this all happened I hainappropriatete sexual thoughts and a addiction to porn.

im so confused!

does my "don’t touch me!" problem have anything to do with what happened? and if it does, can i make it go away if I know thats the problem?

It may be that without me even noticing it…

by the way, I am an overly independent person, ththat’she way my dad taught me, also he taught me that it isn’t manly to cry and pathetic for girls to cry too.

what to do, what to do…

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The more bad things that happen early on in your life, when you are at your most vulnerable and obedient to other people’s wishes, the stronger your need to take that control back when you do grow up, or when you do begin to develop some control over your life.

You did actually have a horrible childhood, but because alot of what happened was done as a way to control you (because you could be controlled) you absorbed some of those lessons and associations in spite of everything. Now, that you are getting older, you can’t understand why you can’t simply dump those associations.

Think of it like your cat. All the bad things in life were all the things you knew and understood and were able to hold onto. When those things change, you haven’t been equipped to deal with those changes, thus you cling to them psychologically. Your cat dying has made you even more emotionally vulnerable to change, which might make you hold onto the past even more, since you have to have trust in the future to be able to let go of things (something you don’t have much experience in.)

Your ‘don’t touch me’ problem has alot to do with your sexual abuse. Its a natural reaction. If someone does what they want to you when you are younger, when you get older, it feels good to be able to say to someone "NO I DON’T LIKE BEING TOUCHED." You have a right to decide who/what/where/when/and why someone touches you, a right you are only now beginning to understand.

And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an actress. For someone with a damaged childhood, the stage is a very safe place to reveal yourself. You can be whoever the play requires, nobody has to know anything about you, and everything ends when the curtain comes down. I have a feeling you would make a very good actress.

Your independent streak is probably a result of both who you are and what you have gone through. There is only so much space on yahoo answers to go through and explain everything that is happening to you. You’ll probably need professional counseling at some point in your life (or someone you can vent openly to) in order to work through some of these issues.

Good luck.

Khnopff71 | Apr 14, 2009

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hmm.. it might have everything or somethign at least to do with it. if you have yahoo messenger add me ok? easier to talk taht way.

windex1991@yahoo.com
Dan Jordan32 | Apr 14, 2009